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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793245">Guide Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWeasley/pseuds/CaptainWeasley'>CaptainWeasley</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:21:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>762</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793245</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWeasley/pseuds/CaptainWeasley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, the memory of fighting against Joe all those centuries ago still haunts Nicky.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>284</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Guide Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written as a sequel to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25773262">Teach Me</a>, but can also be read as a stand-alone. Thank you @Susangel for giving me the idea!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It happens out of the blue, while Nicky is making breakfast: a gust of wind comes in through the open window, and the sensation makes Nicky wince, suddenly struck by a memory he has unsuccessfully been trying to bury for 900 years. </p><p>Some years, it won't bother him at all. And then, it usually comes back with a vengeance, like right now.</p><p>Reflexively, Nicky's hand shoots up to his throat, to make sure it really is just the memory, that it isn't actually happening again.</p><p>Breathing seems impossible for a moment.</p><p>The worst thing about always waking up again is the part that comes before the awakening: death.
</p><p>Death is the worst sensation Nicky knows. Death is cold in a way that nothing else is, and with every death, he is forced to glimpse a fact of life: its inevitable end. And not only that, but to feel it end, as well, to experience the ending, the darkness, the sheer, inconceivable loss.</p><p>Nicky gulps in too much air and starts to cough violently, and even though he's not in any actual danger at the moment, his body reacts as though he were. He can feel himself start to panic, as his body tries to hold onto life desperately.</p><p>"Nicolò!"</p><p>Joe is by his side in seconds, takes his face into his hands, looks into his eyes.</p><p>"Shh, Nico, it's alright, I'm here, I'm right here with you, okay?"</p><p>Nicky tries to concentrate on Joe: his voice, his eyes, his touch. It always helps to ground him in reality. Inside him it's still mayhem.</p><p>"Yusuf..." He whimpers, his voice hoarse and almost breaking, and Joe has known him long enough to understand what he's trying to convey.</p><p>"You can breathe, Nico, I know you can." Joe moves one of his hands so it's pressing against Nicky's neck, and that more than anything helps to calm down Nicky's panicking subconscious. Joe's hand is warm against his skin, a solid presence, there isn't a hole there, there isn't any blood there...</p><p>"Breathe with me, amore."</p><p>Nicky concentrates on Joe's even breaths, tries to match them. After a few minutes, he's feeling calm again, and his body has stopped shaking.</p><p>Nicky lets his eyes fall shut, leans his forehead against Joe's.</p><p>"I'm so sorry, Nicolò," Joe says, sounding oddly formal.</p><p>"Please stop apologizing," Nicky whispers, still a little hoarse. "It's not your fault."</p><p>"Whose fault is it if not mine? It was my sword, guided by my hand, it was my intention and my cruelty. In short, it was my doing and thus, my fault."</p><p>"Hayati," Nicky says quietly, kisses Joe's temple. "We both hurt each other back then. I am to blame as much as you are."</p><p>Joe looks at him, the pain clearly visible in his eyes.</p><p>"But you hurt me then and only then. What I did is still hurting you now."</p><p>"You had no way of knowing."</p><p>"That can never be an excuse for doing harm."</p><p>Joe shakes his head stubbornly, and Nicky knows that he won't forgive himself this time, either. It's been centuries, and Joe is still carrying this guilt with him, although Nicky never even blamed him. They were soldiers on opposite sides of a war. He might as well blame Joe for the gust of wind that triggered his memory today.</p><p>Nicky doesn't argue any further, though. They've had this argument for 900 years, the one thing they can never agree on, and at this point, Nicky thinks maybe this disagreement belongs to them, maybe this is one of the things that makes them who they are. Maybe they are not supposed to solve this issue.</p><p>He hugs Joe tightly.</p><p>"You are the light of my eyes," he whispers in Joe's ear. "Ameli... Never doubt that, never."</p><p>He can feel Joe chuckling.</p><p>"And you always pretend like I'm the romantic."</p><p>They're both laughing then, content in each other's presence, in each other's warmth, in each other's love.</p><p>Nicky knows that the memory will come back: the worst death he has ever felt, his head severed from him body almost completely, life oozing out of him so horribly that he would have begged for his existence to end for good, for God to free him of the curse of life, had not the blood run into his throat, made it impossible to speak, to <i>breathe</i>...</p><p>He knows the memory will be back to haunt him, maybe tomorrow, maybe in ten years. But he also knows Yusuf will always be there to guide him back to reality when it does.</p>
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